to barclay on his seventh birthday

oh my boy,

Seven years ago you were placed into my arms and I became a mama.  You are a gift.

I will not lie, this past year has been hard, hard, hard.  I have felt like I have failed you time and again.  You came out of the womb different than any child I have ever known and it is that something inside of you that we can't quite figure out that causes a lot of heartache as we try to love and parent you.  

Even though you are incredibly complex and hard to figure out, you are such a teacher.  You teach me more about myself and about the world than I could ever learn on my own.    

You have a spark inside of you that is special.  Not an "I'm your mama so I have to say that special" but truly something unique and needed.  I just can't even begin to imagine how you will change the world.    

When you want to be, you are the most delightful thing I could ever imagine having the pleasure of being with.  You're curious and confident and darling.  The same button nose that I kissed countless times as a newborn is now covered in freckles and wrinkles in the cutest way possible.  

You love your brother Sullivan so hard.  You also beat him up and wrestle nearly every second of the day.  This relationship is much of the heartache I feel, but I catch so many glimpses of brotherhood and camaraderie, I have much hope.  

Most of the time you are such a protector of your sister.  I often find you with your arms encircled around her neck to shield her from harm.  You "taught her how to walk"- you had "training sessions" and were completely patient and loving with her.

You are such a little casinova.  I constantly find love letters to girls at your school in your notebooks, backpack and scattered around the house.  A lot of these girls are a few grades ahead of you!  The way you talk about the girls you "love" is hilarious!  You get all dreamy and talk about their flowing hair or their sparkling eyes.  

You are not the bravest or the strongest or the fastest, but you do not give up.  

I will never forget watching you by the river as you timidly stayed on the safe ground and watched your younger brother leap and bound over a log that had fallen.  I felt a pang of sadness for you and thought maybe that you must feel so jealous, but instead you cupped your hands around your mouth and yelled out, "Sullivan the fearless!"    

You made a best friend this year in Gabe.  You and Gabe make up the silliest stories that I think sometimes you think are actually true.  One of them being that you hand cut and built a log cabin on the school playground.  Gabe brought a finger chainsaw from home to make it happen.  ha!

You speak fluent spanish and read and write in it thanks to your 2 year of spanish immersion public school.  You love to learn, I am so thankful.  

You went through a period this summer and fall where you had roller skates on your feet every second that you were home.  You are serious when you love something (something I think you got from me).

You have a sense of adventure that is contagious.  You can see adventure in everything and I know people will be drawn to you because of it.  

Even though I fail you over and over, and you fail me over and over, every time I reach out my hand, you fill it with yours.  

Thank you for your patience my boy.  I pray you will grow to be an incredible man despite my weaknesses and faults.  And I pray you will always know my love is so deep, the bottom cannot be found. 

With love, 

Your Mama

sweet baby graham | julie's story

No one loves babies like Julie Ledford…it is what bonded us years and years ago.  She’s my “baby friend.”  I texted her every time I thought I was pregnant, every time I took a test, every time I miscarried, every time I went to the hospital in labor.  And I knew that she never ever was annoyed.  

Her home is filled with the sweetest little Ledford babies and every single one of them is treasured like they are the only ones.  I was able to be their doula/birth photographer for the birth of their 4th baby Weston.  Julie and I walked the halls for hours that night just talking and talking about babies.  I was overjoyed when she told me they were expecting baby number 5 and that they wanted me to be there.  

This baby was so adored from the beginning.  Daily, little hands would pat mama’s belly and questions would come about when this baby would be in their arms.  After months and months of early labor and hospital visits to stop it, I think that the Ledford children thought this baby would never come!

This sweet baby was able to make it to full term and we were all just singing praises! Just a day shy of induction, labor started on its own!  Even on her 5th baby, Julie was nervous.  Every birth is so different and every single time it takes a surrendering to it.  I watched her labor all night, bravely, with not very much progress.  I saw twinges of doubt cross onto her face as she swayed in front of the monitors.  Finally I had a talk with her and we all decided to enjoy the lack of progress and to try to get some sleep.  After a few hours of sleep, Julie’s water was broken while I was grabbing breakfast from the waiting room.  I walked into a much different scene then I left.  She looked at me with a twinkle in her eye and said, “This baby is coming!”  And with two magnificent roars baby Graham was born into the world.  I nearly had to catch him, but the nurse beat me to it.  

Oh the first few moments were so sweet and so calm!  It felt like the sweetest secret to be there.  And then in marched the other babies just giddy with anticipation and I don’t think they’ve had a calm moment since!  This sweet boy is doted on and loved and I am so very glad he is here.

a peaceful induction | melanie's story

The first time I knew that Melanie was going to be a life long friend, I was bent over a couch with 200 tiny splinters in my bum and the WORST SUNBURN I've ever had.  That was spring break freshman year and we've been friends ever since.

For Mel's first birth she was rushed to an early c section for pre eclampsia and delivered two tiny baby girls (one named after me!).  For her second birth, she asked me to be her doula and she had an all natural VBAC!  That birth was all kinds of hard, and it was LONG...but she did it.  

So when the birth of her 4th child came up, she was very hesitant...that labor pain was still so fresh.  It ended up that baby number 4 needed a little extra coaxing to join the world and Mel was induced one beautiful October morning.  We all braced ourselves for an augmented labor and how crazy it was probably going to be...and it just wasn't.  Clark was born after a very short and calm labor (ok it got a little wild at the very end;), but overall it was completely wonderful. Once he was born and handed over we were just all in shock that he was already here!  His older brother had taken over a full day to make his way earth side.  The whole experience was surreal.  

I loved seeing Mel bond hard with that baby.  I loved seeing her and Ed slow dancing when things got intense and she needed him.  I loved chatting over sandwiches about motherhood as we watched the sun set from the room.

And then the troops came to visit.  It's pretty unbelievable to have known and loved someone so long.  I saw Mel as an insecure freshman...all the way to being a beautiful mother of 4.  4 precious babies.  The room was filled with squeals and giggles as the newest Murdock met his clan and I was just so freaking happy to be there.