a river retreat | austin texas

It was just about the point in winter when I couldn't remember if I was still alive.  Days bled together in a grey blanket over my spirit and I could barely remember what it was like to feel vibrant again.  It was during the worst of it that I boarded a plane to Austin, Texas to meet artists from around the country at my dear friend Michelle Gardella's River Reatreat.  

Maybe it's from growing up with 4 sisters and a single mother, or maybe it's just so incredibly primal...but women breathe life into me.

And so I arrived at that old barn, feeling weak and wounded and like the fire had gone out.

And one by one these women, these artists, these WORLD CHANGERS breathed new life into me.  

And so now, I am living with the breathe of 12 new sisters running through my lungs, and the feel of their hands pressed in my palms.

Our time together was gentle.  It fostered such respect and space for others that there was not a drop of competition.  And the primal community of womanhood was as it should be.  

I knit a scarf. I laid in the sand with my arms and legs sprawled out and contentment washing over my face.  I slept and wrote and swam in ice cold water.  I cried and laughed and felt cocooned by those around me.  I felt inspired and awed.  

I sensed ever layer of my tough bark stripped and me, bare and naked to the world, was embraced.  This is a gift that many don't ever feel in an entire lifetime.

I. am. so. grateful.

photo by thomas gardella

amanda's story | a christmas day birth

Warning.  

This post includes pictures of nipples.  If you don't know what nipples look like...maybe just skip this post and go look in the mirror.  

Many thanks to this couple who has given me permission to share their raw birth pictures. Because not everyone births with a bra on.

:-) 

Not even two years ago I spent over 24 hours with Kurt and Amanda as they brought their first baby boy into the world.  It was an incredibly moving birth but one with lots of hiccups as labor stalled several times and exhaustion set in with 2 nights of no sleep.  Amanda rocked it and was able to bring her son into the world with the compassionate use of an epidural.  

When I found out they were expecting again I immediately accepted their inquiry to attend their birth (such an honor!) even though her due date was Christmas day.  Their son had been born on his due date and I was positive the likely hood of a second baby on a due date was extremely low.  

The Christmas season was such a beautiful one.  Full of expectation in all kinds of ways.  I was giddy as I communicated with Amanda as contractions came and left for weeks before her due date.  It was early on Christmas morning that I got the call that things were picking up and their baby was choosing to come into the world on Christmas day!  I had been up past midnight building toys for my kids and wasn't about to miss their faces so we woke them up super early and had a very sweet hour in the wee morning hours and then I got the call to meet them at the hospital.  

I just can't explain in words how sweet that birth room was.  The nurse and midwife were just so loving and the specialness of birthing a baby on Christmas was thick in the air.  Amanda was rocking it and had labored all night on her own.  When I got there things ramped up and got intense.  When Amanda labors, the whole room is just in awe.  She is so graceful and powerful at the very same time and really she brings labor back to its primal roots.  Kurt is just my favorite.  He is so tender with her and I just kind of stood back and watched their magic.  It was not long at all before this baby decided to be born.  No one knew the gender and we all held our breathe with anticipation as Amanda roared her baby into the world.  A beautiful baby girl. Liana was SO wide eyed and settled right into her mama's arms with knowing eyes of intense love.

Soon came big brother who was 21 months old at the time.  He was very pensive about the whole thing but as soon as he was able to nurse along side his sister he softened up.  

This was my 7th birth this year of repeat clients.  It has been SUCH an honor to be asked again and it has been transforming to see how each woman births with such confidence and power compared to her first baby.  Amanda was no exception.  She never faltered.  She knew she could and she did.

We finished up our time together with a birthday cake-with a "0" candle on it :-)  And I made it home in time to go to my mama's house for Christmas dinner.  

It wasn't easy leaving that sweet cocoon of warmth and love that Christmas day but I feel like this family is my family and I know that love will always be there.

Thank you for letting me share your story.

to my sullivan on his fifth birthday

oh my sweet valentine,

You are so full of love, I always smile just thinking about you being born on Valentine's Day-your mama's least favorite holiday and bringing all the love into my heart.  

You are so sweet.  Sometimes I can't even think of other things to say about you because you are, SO sweet.  

You have the sweetest softest voice ever and I can just drift off into lala land as you chat away to me about everything.  BUT for some reason your only other voice YELLING!  You crack me up with how you can go from one to the other with zero middle ground.

You love touch.  You crawl in bed with me in the wee morning hours about 4 times a week and you just curl up to me and weave your fingers through my hair.  I'm so happy you are always up for me to rub your back or stroke your hair.  

You love your brother so much.  Practically worship the ground he walks on...even though you get beat up quite a bit.  No matter what he does to you, you are always ALWAYS thinking of him and wanting to show him you are his biggest fan.

You love your sister so tenderly.  Even though there is 3 years between you, you PLAY with her and you both have your silly games you play every day when Barclay is at school (aka pushing each other face first onto our mattress and laughing your head off).     

You love following me around and helping me.  We cook together, clean together and just generally have a sweet time doing life together.  You start kindergarten in the summer and although I KNOW you will love it, I will miss having our special time.  

You are an artist.  You spend HOURS a day drawing and coloring.  Our summer babysitter Sylvia would sit for hours and hours drawing out all your hearts desires and then you would cut them out.  

You're simple and I'm so thankful.  I never feel like I have to figure you out.  You're steady and peaceful........UNLESS you are hungry!  Or should I say, hANGRY.  

You loose your ever living mind when you haven't consumed a ridiculous amount of food in the past 2 hours.  You loose the ability to speak english or walk.  It is quite something.  We share this hANGRY thing and I often laugh (after the fact) at how you act out the way I feel sometimes.  

You are quiet and unassuming but you are incredible at physical things.  

This fall we were in the YMCA pool and Barclay wanted to pass the hard and long swim test...you decided you wanted to try at 4 years old and I told you that you were too little.  Your daddy was quick to swoop in and negate my confining words and goodness if you didn't just pass the test but you did it twice as fast as Barclay did it!  

I say it every single year but I it rings so true to me.  Sullivan, you are the very best balm to my heart.  You make me feel like I am the most beautiful and wonderful mama in the world.  You are such a treasure to our family.  Your hearty laugh, deep brown eyes and your smile which melts even the coldest of hearts is such a gift every single day.  

With so much love I feel I could burst,

Your Mama