to sullivan on his 12th birthday

sweetest valentine of mine,

Another year, another year of watching you and trying to understand you. You are easily the most simple to please and yet so deeply complex that I feel like I will never know you.

You started your 12th year with an epic trip to the ocean to go fishing with Rainy, Bet Bet, and me. We caught fish, enjoyed a boat ride, and found sharks teeth in the river.

You continue to excel in everything relating to animals and nature. You find every live thing in a square foot, you light up when you tell me facts about animals you love, you melt every time we meet a dog.

You’re SO cute, Sullivan. Your grin is so michevious and impish. You actaully have a lot of friends despite moving schools 4 times in 4 years. I saw a picture from your first middleschool dance and you were in the middle surrounded by friends.

You’ve gotten in trouble quite a bit lately as you try to find your way out of your brother’s shadow and find your way. Thankfully nothing ill willed but mostly clever one liners that are hilarious and also not appropriate. You make me laugh regularly, and your timing is just perfection.

You are the artist I’ve always wanted to be. You sit for hours and create with such detail and precision. I can’t wait to see how you use it as you navigate your life. I have to be pretty frugal but I definitely you know I will never say no to art supplies.

I am so proud of you this year for trying out for all the sports and making it! Barclay starts and does so amazing and you could have decided that was too hard to try but you did and you made it and you are such a good teammate. I’m so proud of you for believing in yourself and cheering you on to make a basket at the last game on Thursday. \

You are my snuggliest kid by far and several times a day you come and sit on my lap even though you’re taller than me. You drape over my shoulders and ask for back rubs. I love it and I hope that when you’re 30 years old and over six feet you still sit on my lap.

Sullivan, I want to see your eyes sparkle more. I’m on the hunt to find something that lights you up and connects you with other people.

I’m so happy to be your mama.

I love you!

Mama

to barclay on his 14th birthday

My precious boy, my first born baby,

I don’t know what I’m doing being your mother, all I know is that you don’t make me feel like I need to have it all figured out. You give me so much grace and patience as I bobble my way through.

I think this year was the closest I’ve ever felt to you. As a newborn you cried and pushed me away (allergies) all the time, and you’ve just not been the snuggliest kid…but goodness you are fun right now. I love that we can connect on photography, thrifting, music, and just life and all that makes it beautiful.

I think one of the most proud times I’ve been of you was when you were telling me about a conversation at school and how you had stood up for people who had done really bad things and deserved punishments…but the way you described how those people had probably been harmed…it gave me a peek into the deeply compassionate man you are becoming and who you are.

You are so wild at heart, so manly, so happy and comfortable working with you hands, so quick to help.

You have really come back to the 9 year old Barclay style and love all things 1920s. I get such a kick out of seeing you dress up like an old man (but a super cool man).

This year I surprised you and took you to a Lumineers concert. Jumping up and down and singing at the top of our lungs, singing off pitch as loudly as we could, running through the streets of Charlotte late at night hand in hand…gosh I’ll never forget it. It felt so good to just be so happy and present with you.

You know this, but you are just insane at sports. Every single one you’ve touched, you’ve just become amazing at. Soccer has your heart though. Most of the time you are with a soccer ball just annoying all of us with the constant noise of hitting the ball. I think that sports have just given so much life into you, so grateful.

You are pretty intense (no clue where you get that from) and often are a bit strong…but the way you are around children is so soft and sweet and nurturing. I love watching you bend down to a small one at school or encourage someone at the park.

I am so shocked how much you talk to me. It feels so open and honest, and I keep hearing parts of your heart as you navigate being a teenager in this weird age. Often I’ll be editing at nights and you’ll just come sit next to me and we will talk about God, girls, school, the future…I don’t know if it will last but I am eating it up!

This next year you will start HIGH SCHOOL and although that feels insane to me…I also feel so sure that you’ll be ok. You have a good head on your shoulders and a very compassionate heart.

Being your mama is such a journey and an honor. Thanks for all the grace you give me, and all the great tunes you keep our little family set with.

Every year I say it, and every year I mean it…watching you become you is just magic.

I love you, Barclay.

Happy birthday.

Mama

to lucy miller on her 9th birthday

Darling girl of my heart,

Today you are nine years old.  Nine years of the most incredible love.  You are such a gift to everyone that knows you, you are such a gift to me.

This year I watched you swing back and forth between pure joy and I also held you while you sobbed many, many times.  Like me, you embrace holding all the feelings as they come.  Watching you has honestly healed a part of me that feels like I might be broken.  Because when I see it in you, I see it as a superpower, I see it as breathtaking, and I would never want to change that part of who you are.

Last year we spent your birthday having tea with 4 generations (my mom and my grandmother joined us).  It was truly such a vibrant memory for all of us.  Grandmama slipped into glory just a few weeks later.  I’m so glad you knew her. You talk about her a lot and tear up a little. You’ve so tenderly loved on Grandpapa in her absence. At school you made a very special Thanksgiving paper that they said to give to someone special. You held it tightly away from me until you could give it to him. I saw it sitting on his bedside table the other day.  

I think one of the greatest things this past year was that after a lot of work, a lot of specialty tutoring with Miss Marla, a lot of persevering…you finally learned to read and there is no stopping you now.  You read every day for as long as I will leave the light on.  

Even though you have your own room in our new house, more often than not we fall asleep all cuddled up chatting about life. It is like a sleepover every time.

You are so darling.  Your sweet heart believes so much in love, in romance.

You are so freaking hilarious and impish in the greatest of ways.

This year it broke my heart a little when you have resisted wearing most of your dresses. You have now declared you aren’t a fan of pink anymore, and unicorns are not at the top. I knew you’d go through a stage like this but I must admit I miss dressing you like my own doll baby. The only piece of clothing that lit you up this year was buying a jean jacket. You are adorable in it.

You moved to your 4th school since Kindergarten this year.  Even though you tried to have a good attitude your heart broke as you tried to find your way in a tight knit class for a few weeks.  Apparently the kids just couldn’t quite hang with your very imaginative, very specific make believe games you dreamed up and wanted to play...your way. You’ve since found your way and love your new school and your sweet friends.

You did dance for half the year and performed a solo at the recital with such grace and musicality I was in tears.

Your most recent love is SIGN LANGUAGE. A sweet woman came to your class and taught you Frosty the Snowman and you have not been able to stop talking about it. You started lessons this week and it is amazing how it clicks so well in your brain. I’m so excited to see you learn and learn along with you!

This summer I had to tell you about how babies were made because you were so worried you’d get pregnant somehow (hazards of my doula job). Your response was so matter of fact and not in the least bit traumatized. And you’re very relieved to not have to worry anymore! Despite not wanting to be pregnant you talk often about having a big or little sister (the horror of having another brother is staggering…ha!). One day you just casually asked if we could go pick a baby sister out at the adoption place. You aren’t getting a sister any time soon but you are getting a new baby cousin in a few weeks and you are the most excited one out of the whole family. I think you might be more excited than Aunt Bet Bet.

My hope for you this next year is that I can gently model and help you with some emotional regulation. I want you to feel it all but I don’t want it to drown you.

We took our 10th year of pictures in the Queen Anne’s Lace. It’s such a special tradition, and such a celebration of our love. We also got to rock out to Lindsey Sterling on the most epic Saturday night and go to the Nutcracker Ballet in Charlotte with Rebekah and Hadley.

You are the most encouraging daughter. You are so proud of me. You tell me all the time how strong I am, how beautiful I am. You love watching my dance videos. You gasp at my dresses sometimes and when I get discouraged with mothering you always slip under my arm and hug me, whispering that you love me.

So many of my decisions are made with you in mind: not abandoning myself, not dulling my shine, not emptying out to please other people. I dream of a life of confidence, love, abundance, and depth in your life. I hope I can save you a bit of heartache by showing you ways to care for yourself.

I wish I got to spend every single day with you. If I think about only having you half time my heart hurts so badly. BUT we sure make up for it when we see each other.

Being your mama is such fun.  It is such a delight.

You are sunshine my girl and this world needs your light. 

I’m so proud of you sweet girl,

Mama