to barclay on his 14th birthday

My precious boy, my first born baby,

I don’t know what I’m doing being your mother, all I know is that you don’t make me feel like I need to have it all figured out. You give me so much grace and patience as I bobble my way through.

I think this year was the closest I’ve ever felt to you. As a newborn you cried and pushed me away (allergies) all the time, and you’ve just not been the snuggliest kid…but goodness you are fun right now. I love that we can connect on photography, thrifting, music, and just life and all that makes it beautiful.

I think one of the most proud times I’ve been of you was when you were telling me about a conversation at school and how you had stood up for people who had done really bad things and deserved punishments…but the way you described how those people had probably been harmed…it gave me a peek into the deeply compassionate man you are becoming and who you are.

You are so wild at heart, so manly, so happy and comfortable working with you hands, so quick to help.

You have really come back to the 9 year old Barclay style and love all things 1920s. I get such a kick out of seeing you dress up like an old man (but a super cool man).

This year I surprised you and took you to a Lumineers concert. Jumping up and down and singing at the top of our lungs, singing off pitch as loudly as we could, running through the streets of Charlotte late at night hand in hand…gosh I’ll never forget it. It felt so good to just be so happy and present with you.

You know this, but you are just insane at sports. Every single one you’ve touched, you’ve just become amazing at. Soccer has your heart though. Most of the time you are with a soccer ball just annoying all of us with the constant noise of hitting the ball. I think that sports have just given so much life into you, so grateful.

You are pretty intense (no clue where you get that from) and often are a bit strong…but the way you are around children is so soft and sweet and nurturing. I love watching you bend down to a small one at school or encourage someone at the park.

I am so shocked how much you talk to me. It feels so open and honest, and I keep hearing parts of your heart as you navigate being a teenager in this weird age. Often I’ll be editing at nights and you’ll just come sit next to me and we will talk about God, girls, school, the future…I don’t know if it will last but I am eating it up!

This next year you will start HIGH SCHOOL and although that feels insane to me…I also feel so sure that you’ll be ok. You have a good head on your shoulders and a very compassionate heart.

Being your mama is such a journey and an honor. Thanks for all the grace you give me, and all the great tunes you keep our little family set with.

Every year I say it, and every year I mean it…watching you become you is just magic.

I love you, Barclay.

Happy birthday.

Mama

to lucy miller on her 9th birthday

Darling girl of my heart,

Today you are nine years old.  Nine years of the most incredible love.  You are such a gift to everyone that knows you, you are such a gift to me.

This year I watched you swing back and forth between pure joy and I also held you while you sobbed many, many times.  Like me, you embrace holding all the feelings as they come.  Watching you has honestly healed a part of me that feels like I might be broken.  Because when I see it in you, I see it as a superpower, I see it as breathtaking, and I would never want to change that part of who you are.

Last year we spent your birthday having tea with 4 generations (my mom and my grandmother joined us).  It was truly such a vibrant memory for all of us.  Grandmama slipped into glory just a few weeks later.  I’m so glad you knew her. You talk about her a lot and tear up a little. You’ve so tenderly loved on Grandpapa in her absence. At school you made a very special Thanksgiving paper that they said to give to someone special. You held it tightly away from me until you could give it to him. I saw it sitting on his bedside table the other day.  

I think one of the greatest things this past year was that after a lot of work, a lot of specialty tutoring with Miss Marla, a lot of persevering…you finally learned to read and there is no stopping you now.  You read every day for as long as I will leave the light on.  

Even though you have your own room in our new house, more often than not we fall asleep all cuddled up chatting about life. It is like a sleepover every time.

You are so darling.  Your sweet heart believes so much in love, in romance.

You are so freaking hilarious and impish in the greatest of ways.

This year it broke my heart a little when you have resisted wearing most of your dresses. You have now declared you aren’t a fan of pink anymore, and unicorns are not at the top. I knew you’d go through a stage like this but I must admit I miss dressing you like my own doll baby. The only piece of clothing that lit you up this year was buying a jean jacket. You are adorable in it.

You moved to your 4th school since Kindergarten this year.  Even though you tried to have a good attitude your heart broke as you tried to find your way in a tight knit class for a few weeks.  Apparently the kids just couldn’t quite hang with your very imaginative, very specific make believe games you dreamed up and wanted to play...your way. You’ve since found your way and love your new school and your sweet friends.

You did dance for half the year and performed a solo at the recital with such grace and musicality I was in tears.

Your most recent love is SIGN LANGUAGE. A sweet woman came to your class and taught you Frosty the Snowman and you have not been able to stop talking about it. You started lessons this week and it is amazing how it clicks so well in your brain. I’m so excited to see you learn and learn along with you!

This summer I had to tell you about how babies were made because you were so worried you’d get pregnant somehow (hazards of my doula job). Your response was so matter of fact and not in the least bit traumatized. And you’re very relieved to not have to worry anymore! Despite not wanting to be pregnant you talk often about having a big or little sister (the horror of having another brother is staggering…ha!). One day you just casually asked if we could go pick a baby sister out at the adoption place. You aren’t getting a sister any time soon but you are getting a new baby cousin in a few weeks and you are the most excited one out of the whole family. I think you might be more excited than Aunt Bet Bet.

My hope for you this next year is that I can gently model and help you with some emotional regulation. I want you to feel it all but I don’t want it to drown you.

We took our 10th year of pictures in the Queen Anne’s Lace. It’s such a special tradition, and such a celebration of our love. We also got to rock out to Lindsey Sterling on the most epic Saturday night and go to the Nutcracker Ballet in Charlotte with Rebekah and Hadley.

You are the most encouraging daughter. You are so proud of me. You tell me all the time how strong I am, how beautiful I am. You love watching my dance videos. You gasp at my dresses sometimes and when I get discouraged with mothering you always slip under my arm and hug me, whispering that you love me.

So many of my decisions are made with you in mind: not abandoning myself, not dulling my shine, not emptying out to please other people. I dream of a life of confidence, love, abundance, and depth in your life. I hope I can save you a bit of heartache by showing you ways to care for yourself.

I wish I got to spend every single day with you. If I think about only having you half time my heart hurts so badly. BUT we sure make up for it when we see each other.

Being your mama is such fun.  It is such a delight.

You are sunshine my girl and this world needs your light. 

I’m so proud of you sweet girl,

Mama

to sullivan on his 11th birthday

Oh the balm of my heart,

Today you are 11 years in this painful world. You are such a gift of gentleness and light to me, to our family, and to this world. It feels like the deepest honor to be your mother.

I usually write my birthday letters the day before the birthday as my way of marking the labor. I couldn’t do it last night though. I gathered your pictures and noticed such a drastic drop in eye sparkle from years prior and wept for hours. Sullivan, I feel like I’ve lost you this year.

The only reason I can move on from that statement is because I have so much hope for the future. Not every year will be this intense. Not every year will bring me to my knees like this one did. I do seek you, I reach for you many times a day, and I try my hardest to convey how irreplaceable you are, but I’m also fighting to be well myself and it’s been a hell of a flight. Dear boy, I am fighting to find you again. I’m fighting so hard.

I will never forget 3 weeks after I left, I was singing at the top of my voice in the car and I glanced over and you were starring at me with the biggest smile on your face. A smile I couldn’t even imagine ever seeing on your face before when everything was dark and hard. You need me to be well. You feel how not right things are in the world. You feel it deeply like I do. You are the reason I have not gotten down on the ground and given up my spirit. You are the reason I got brave and decided to not live my life as a shell of a person that you curled next to in bed to get time with me. I see you watching me open and light up and I know right now this is enough. Every day I’m getting stronger and I imagine this year we have many, many, many days of enjoying the fruits of this impossible work.

On to you and what you’re like at this beautiful age of 11.

You still love all animals. You asked me recently what was the job that made the most money. I told you probably a hedge fund manager (I literally don’t even know if this is correct). You then told me emphatically.

“Well I’m going to go to school for that, work for 10 years, save up, and then take care of animals for the rest of my life.”

You continue your obsession with dragons, you draw them and talk about them constantly. I will look back on this phase fondly.

You have a few sweet friends at your new school. One girl in particular. You get teased by your siblings that she’s your girlfriend but you so gently say, “Boys and girls can be friends. They can be best friends!”

You love fishing and do it ANY chance you get. You almost always catch something.

You got to go to camp and flourished. I received a simple note from you that read, “Camp is awesome. Everyone loves me!” Oh my heart.

I think one of my most precious memories of you was watching you curl into the sand to watch the moon rise, happy as a clam to be out in nature and quiet and peaceful.

You, precious one, are going to be a mighty man. I am so proud of you. I love you so deeply and I am looking forward to a lifetime of loving you. Us deep feelers have to stick together!

Keep being your precious self, it’s enough.

Your mama