amy | breathing me to life

It's no secret I struggle with seasons of deep and paralyzing depression.  Whether it's in my genes or caused by my sensitive soul, who knows.  There are seasons of life that feel like walking through mud to get through.  

I'm a lucky girl to be surrounded by amazing people that champion me on and who tell me "You're doing your best!  Don't be so hard on yourself!  Give yourself grace."

One evening I left my chaotic home to slip away to a girls night at a local restaurant and I showed up frumpy, hair unbrushed and thrown in a bun and an aching heart.  

That's when Amy saw me.  

Amy is a friend of friends that I knew casually and who happened to be sitting at the other end of the table on this particular night.  Somewhere at the end of the evening when many had trickled back to their homes, I just burst into tears and said, "I just suck at life."  Many hands touched my back and comforted me and told me "No you don't, Helen Joy.  We love you."  

But Amy looked at me and saw me and in a beautiful confidence she said, "I will help you."  

We decided to do a trade.  Pictures for coaching sessions.  

The first day she came we sat on cushions on my messy living room floor, we walked through the kitchen with left out peanut butter and jelly and crusts left over from the school morning rush. We sat on those cushions and I cried and Amy listened.  Then came her first,life giving breathe.  She said "I believe you can be better."  Said so lovingly and compassionately, not discounting the work ahead.  She did not clip my wings and say, "Be thankful!  You're doing the best you can!"    

She heard my longing and she gave weight to it.  

I told her the silly longings that seemed so out of reach and she didn't blink.  She said, "Why not?!"  She didn't flood me with cheesy quotes about motivation or steps to achieve my goals.  Every week she came to my messy home and sat with me and listened and she gently lifted me to the sky.

It started with little things like finding shoes the night before and packing lunches in the evening.  Things that come easily for most people but to me seem like mt everest.  She came over one day and stood in my laundry room with clothes up to our waists and we sweated and worked for hours and found a system that works well for ME.  

Little by little tiny bricks have fallen into place and I feel more and more comfortable in my own skin and in my own home.  It's like a ripple has started and I don't even know where it will reach.

This doesn't tie up in a bow.  I still struggle getting out of bed in the mornings, my laundry room is up to my knees because I've been editing this week but I am not paralyzed by it.  

Amy, these pictures show just a hint of your genuine warmth and the love you so beautifully give.  

Thank you for seeing me.  

To contact Amy, go to www.amybracken.life

leah's story | the birth of roan oliver

This birth was such a blessing to me.  I loved being Leah and J's doula but I found so much that I was able to step back quite a bit and watch J support Leah so tenderly.  Leah is an incredible athlete and is always running or biking.  Labor was quite a challenge because the first 9 cm went really fast, but the last bit of labor was much longer and she had SO much back labor.  As mentally strong as she has to be to be such an athlete, labor took every ounce of that and truly sometimes it wasn't enough.   It was like watching a dance, every time she lost belief in herself, J stepped right in with words and physical support.  And so contraction by contraction she made it through.  

It was brutal to watch her do everything right but to still be stuck at 9.  We kept telling her it was almost over and that didn't turn out to be true.  I think it would be like moving the finish line several times at the end of a marathon.  

After a while her awesome nurse gently coached her to start pushing gently even though she wasn't complete yet and baby boy was born not much after.  

The gender was a surprise and it was so special to watch baby Roan Oliver be born and for his parents to meet him.  

Thank you J and Leah for letting me be part of this sweet experience and for letting me share your beautiful photographs.

sarah's story | the birth of birch

It's been a while since I've posted a birth story and I am so glad to share this one today with you all.

Every single birth I get to attend is near and dear to my heart, but this one was extra special.  I've been friends with Sarah and Matt since before they were married.  I photographed their engagement, their wedding and attended the birth of their second baby girl.  I was all set to photograph their third baby in May of 2015 when literally the day after we talked contract details, I got a horrible email that the baby's heart had stopped beating half way through the pregnancy.  The Rideouts are missionaries in Haiti and things are complicated there, health-wise.  So Sarah and Matt and their girls hopped on the first plane out to deliver their baby here in the states.  I met them the night before being induced and was able to laugh and cry with them and photograph her beautiful belly.

The next day I was their doula as they brought their tiny son Obed into the world.  Sarah is as mentally strong as they come and I've watched her rock natural birth.  I will never forget the look in her eyes as she looked at me during Obed's labor...she said "The sadness is too much, I have no strength."  

Fast forward nearly exactly a year and I was able to celebrate and attend the birth of their second son Birch.  What a happy occasion!  There was such gratefulness in the air that day as we heard that heart beat, steady and strong.  The gender was a surprise and so anticipation was building as well.  Sarah rocked out a natural labor and was able to catch Birch right there on the hospital floor (with Dr Spearman's back up hands nearby:-).  Her birth was attended by her Mama-lactation consultant extraordinaire and her dear friend Laura.  Sarah's sister arrived just minutes after birth!    

Sarah and Matt, I feel like part of your family and I feel so honored to have been witness to these moments in your lives.  

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

-Psalm 30:5  

*and just one silly sidenote I'd love to clarify.  Matt is wearing a shirt from the summer camp he worked at for years, it isn't in reference to real world domination of any kind:-)

**also thanks to Matt for one of the only pictures I have of me in action at a birth :-)