Oh my precious boy,
I’m afraid that this might be a bit sappy for your liking. Maybe when you’re old enough to want to read these it wont bother you.
I’m a weepy mess thinking about the woman I was when I delivered you so tiny and fresh 12 years ago. I wish I could go back to her and tell her what is not important and what is. I wish I could tell her to screw everyone else and just trust her heart. I wish I could tell her to cuddle you more and let the world fall apart.
Our journey together, my journey with my first born child, has been riddled with mistakes. You have been gracious to me no matter how much I have to repent for my anger. We have had to figure things out and it has been nothing but a jaunty dance. But we are doing it. We are figuring things out and I can’t help but think that all our hard work is going to pay off on a sweet couple of years before you leave the house.
First borns have a hard job but they also are the first to bring about the new phases. I thought long ago that I would hate new phases and leaving behind the babyhood, toddlerhood, or youth. But my goodness do I love each new phase with you. It’s like I am discovering a new layer of you every few weeks.
Barclay. You are the most beautiful creation. The most magnificent.
As an allergy ridden child with severe undiagnosed ADHD and a stomach that was always in horrible discomfort, I honestly thought that you might never not struggle. I could NEVER have imagined in my wildest dreams what a caring, mature, helpful, hilarious, fun, well liked, cool without trying to be, young man you would be. But here you are.
This year we found a medication that took you from striving to thriving. It did get rough there for a few months and I knew you were trying your best but man, medication has been such a game changer for all of us. I wish a thousand times over I didn’t wait so long for the relief it brings.
Also last month we tested dairy and found you didn’t have much reaction to it so we are all enjoying the freedom that brings. You had your first milkshake ever and it was a success! You still have to be gluten free but you have the best attitude about it.
This year you grew both physically and emotionally by leaps and bounds. You are the most responsible 12 year old I know. You’ve started taking care of the neighbor’s horse twice a day (and helping your siblings do it too). You got your first job helping a friend in her garden and you have saved all your money. I depend on you for a lot and you almost always come through. You are very tough and do a lot of wood chopping, fire building, engine tinkering, tool building. I’m just so proud of you. I tell anyone who will listen about how freaking dependable you are. I hope you know you’re so much more than just this though.
On a normal day one can find you draped over Grover and reading a book, biking, exploring, spending time with your daddy, baking, playing video games with Sullivan, and even dancing with Lucy Miller.
This year we found ourselves homeschooling after a disastrous try at virtual learning in the spring. I have loved it. You miss your friends, but have had an incredible attitude about learning. We’ve learning the most interesting things and you are there with rapt attention. I think we will look back fondly on this year.
My precious son, you make me excited for the years to come, not dreading them. I can see what a great man you will be, but for now you’re just the greatest boy. You get get more glorious by the minute. I love you so deeply, so widely, so endlessly. I will love you no matter what comes.
Your mama
