A little part of my heart is dying. The decision to not have anymore children for many reasons has started the beginning of the end of our baby days. I know many are glad to see those days go. The sleepless nights, the constant giving of one’s self, the constant diapers and outfit changes. I am not one of them.
The newborn/baby days are my favorite. Curling around your baby in bed while you tenderly look over every tiny feature. The feeling that all they need, you can provide. I ugly cry every time I think about it. That part of my heart, few can understand or take time to give weight to the passing of this season.
Right before my baby’s first birthday, I loaded up on a ferry with 17 other women for a Wildflower’s Workshop and I met Autumn. I didn’t see a kindred spirit in her at first. I, a crazy free spirit and her, a type a planner. And then when talking about babies she cracked and I saw her beautiful heart, and I knew I just had to be friends with her. Real, true life friends. There was part of my soul that needed her and I think she felt the same.
The eve of my baby’s first birthday, I found myself in my tub, crying hysterically in grieving and joy. I found myself texting Autumn just because I knew she would know. No offered words of comfort or hope. Just a cross country hug of “I know”.
In April, I hopped on a plane to visit a friend in Phoenix Arizona and I scheduled some time to be with Autumn and her family. I just did life with them. Regular, beautiful, imperfect life. With moments of me curled up in my nest on her couch as we talked through a lifetime of pain and joys. I saw the damn of her heart burst open for me and the beauty of her without walls up.
The honor of capturing the tiny details of the end of this season for them makes me weep. The loved on blanket, the tiny chubby hand on mama’s shoulder, the chaotic mess of living life with those you love. All of it makes me weep.
Her love for her people. It is so pure. It is so awe inspiring. Her husband too. His love for his people is strong, brave and unwavering.
Thank you for loving me and letting me into your home. I will never forget those days on your couch, what a gift you’ve given me. Be brave my dear. I'm so thankful for someone who will go before me and let me know that it will be ok and that the next stage is beautiful too.
If I know anything in this life, it is that at the end of your life, when you are old and grey and your beautiful eyes twinkle with tears, you will be able to see the weight of your worth on this earth. You are a treasure to your family and a treasure to me.
Love your kindred spirit and blossom friend.