to barclay on your 8th birthday

My first born baby,

Today you are 8.  This year has been one of the most stretching years of our lives and I have seen you rise to the occasion and grow so courageously.  

This is the year I finally broke down and let you cut your beautiful long hair, after years of you asking.  I was so sure my baby would go away with the locks.  As the locks fell to the floor your beautiful, handsome brilliant face shone through, and you were still there.  

This year you became the neatest person in the house.  Your room is always immaculate and you love being up there in your space.

You've played several sports this year and you are focused and intense as you play.  For such a goofball most of the time, sports are not the time you act out.

Daddy and Emi and I took you as a surprise to New York City this summer.  It was your dream.  Being with you those few days and seeing all the wonders of the city in your eyes was such a gift.  You would walk miles and miles with no complaining and once we were up till almost midnight.  It was FUN.  You weren't in our way or burdensome, you were FUN!  It gave me a glimpse of a lifetime of the fun we will have with you.  

This summer we also took you to have your brain scanned at the Amen Clinics.  Ever since you've been here in this world I've sensed struggles you have and it was wonderful to get clarity on how to come along side you and help you thrive.  You have severe ADHD and ODD.  We are learning all we can and finding all sorts of ways to make life easier for you.  There are also signs that I have passed on my disorder onto you.  I promise you, I will work all my life and keep fighting so that you can have your best shot.  Through it all, you have been so gentle and precious.  I'm so glad I got a peek deep inside into the inner workings.  

You love writing.  I find handwritten letters to dozens of friends and family members all over our house.  It's really hard for you to keep friends, because you're so intense, but your ability to love is just captivating.  Anyone is lucky to be your friend, in my eyes.

I love your freckles, I love your sparkly eyes.  I love your smirk.  I love the way you bend down and gently wrap your arms around your sister. I love the way you belly laugh.  I love when your small arms wrap around my neck when I bend down to give you a kiss at bedtime.  

Despite our magnetic pull and push, I know you love me and I sure hope you know I love you.  

I ache for you to know my love.  How could you ,though, when I can't even put it into words?  I love you so deep and so pure that I'm positive it would blind you if you could see it.  

Being your mama is my greatest honor.  Thank you for being patient with me as I stumble and fall.

I am so proud of you.  So very, very proud of you.

Happy birthday my love.

Mama